Seven Mary Sues Go To Hogwarts: A Sparkle Kids Crossover
by Uurrusistabul
Summary: A year of love, loss, and dank ass weed await seven seniors who journey to Hogwarts under the pretense of 'we just came out to the muggle world so now we need a clas trip type deal to make it so we don't kill each other.' Instead of upholding responsibility and the sense of pride in the muggle community, the Sparkle Kids just act like a couple of jackasses. Who would have thought.


Me and my clique are writing a fanfiction about our journey to Hogwarts as muggles. It's gonna be off the hook. I would like to point out that this is set in 2014, about 16 years after the Battle of Hogwarts. Ten years from when the Magical and Muggle worlds collided in this AU. AIN'T NOBODY FROM CANON HERE BUT HAGRID REALLY HAGRID IS THE MAIN BOO.

* * *

The lottery's first annual drawing had begun. High schools worldwide, all grades filed into assembly rooms, awaited the name of the first 'muggle' school to be drawn. The whole situations was surreal to everyone, but none more surreal to those waiting to be drawn. And entire year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Only ten years ago had the magical world even been introduced to the 'muggle' world, and now, sixteen years later, a lottery was being held. Hogwarts, the big name wizarding school, was randomly selecting a school senior class to attend muggle-wizarding introgrational studies; needless to say, its announcement caused a huge surge in public interest. After all, your child now had the potential to be exposed to magic. It was a once in a lifetime opportunity.

Several thousand people around the world began preparing their children for the schooling, hoping with baited breath to marry their youth away to the magical children who held wonders beyond their world's reach. The hype was not lost among the small group of seniors who, with jittery words and hushed tones, watched the large screen of East High's auditorium in wait for the drawing.

"I bet you ten fucking dollars some random ass British school gets the pick," John joked, elbowing James in the ribs. John was incredibly short, especially when sitting down. His golden-brown hair framing his face with a sort of chaotic element to it, his large glasses contrasting the way it shaped his face. John's murky green eyes didn't tear from the screen as he tongued his lip piercing in anticipation. The ceremony had yet to start, and the wait was quite possibly literally killing him.

James, quite a bit taller than John, snorted and squeaked stupidly at the jabbing at his ribs. "Y-yeah man, like, they probably have it, have it all planned. They've got it, got it, got it all planned out, like, they're some illuminati shit going on and we're all just sitting here like sheeple." James licked his pale lips absently, leg shaking in impatience, his red mohawk standing tall and peacocking. Blue eyes flicked from the screen constantly, to survey the faces of those around him, his thick brows twitching as his gaze swept the crowd.

"To be honest, I wouldn't be surprised if they picked a British school. It would make more sense; less travel expenses," Reilly replied, leaning against James as she watched the screen, her grey-blue eyes deep in thought behind perfect, long blonde hair. Bean, their black mop of hair unable to hide brilliantly blue eyes, was too busy looking back at Bec as they spoke, telling some joke at Shaun's expense. Bec flipped their cotton candy blue hair from their eyes, smiling lazily as Shaun protested the story. "It's a medical condition!" he shouted, shoving Bec, whose grin only grew. "Ok, Shaun, ok." Shaun, orange scene boy haircut sideswept and large, huffed, his dark eyes narrowing in reproach. Sky was asleep on John's lap, blonde hair covering her closed eyes, earbuds plugged into her phone. "Poor asshole forgets to sleep, I swear," James mumbled, absently brushing the hair out of Sky's face.

James looked back to the screen at the sound of excited cheering, which woke Sky from her sleep and sent her near tumbling down the bleachers onto a small group of cishets. Disgusting.

"Ha, nice one faggot," James laughed, not tearing his eyes from the screen. Sky whined as she sat up, tearing her buds out. "Are they finally getting on with the ceremony?" Bec tapped Sky's back with their foot. "Looks like it, I mean, there's a guy on the podium now and everything. Looks like the start of a ceremony if I've ever seen one." John squinted harder from behind his glasses. "I feel like you're being condescending." Bec smirked, "That's nice."

Shaun made a low 'oooh' sound at the sick burn and James rolled his eyes at the immature shenanigans, tipping his metaphorical fedora. "I wonder if we'll be picked," Reilly wondered aloud, chewing her bottom lip. "Not sure if I can survive without the sweet, sweet breast milk of cosplay for a whole year."

"The sweet nippled juice?" Sky asked, laughed. "Succulent tits," James added, "Now watch, fucktrucks, the old cishet white male scum is telling us how our lives are gonna play out." John hissed before making a disgusted face, "Great."

None of the Sparkle Kids really listened to the opening of the ceremony, though they didn't fail to notice the really attractive young man to the right of the 'Minister of Magic' and the left of the British prime minister. "I'd make a Strider sandwich with that guy," Shaun snorted, waggling his eyebrows at Bec, who rolled their eyes. "Forget the sandwich, man, I feel bad for the poor assholes who end up being stuck at this school," John mumbled. Shaun shook his head in confusion. "You get to see people fuckin' flying around on brooms and shit what's so bad about that?" John made another face. "I heard they don't have any technology there. Like, none at all. I don't know if I can do it. 4chan, man, 4chan."

It was Shaun's turn to make a face of disgust. "You need a break, John. Fucking wizard rehab."

"But what if they find Katie? What if they find her, Shaun?" John whined, throwing his hands up. James put his hands out in disbelief. "I'm Katie you piece of shit, how many times do I have to tell you that?" And so John shut his bitch ass mouth and all was well.

That is, until the British Prime Minister's hand slid into the bowl of school names. All was silent in the auditorium of East High, with the exception of Reilly pointing out Obama in the background of the event, taking a selfie with an Asian delegate. "He's probably showing somebody something," Sky whispered. "Nah, he's totally taking a selfie with that chick. Barack Obama more like Brobama," Shaun laughed, thinking himself clever. James had to admit that he was.

The roar of the auditorium made all seven of them jump in fright, eyes wide. "What? What the fuck just happened?" James rambled, looking around and meeting Bec's huge eyes. "Dude, we're going to fucking Hogwarts."

* * *

"This is complete bullshit I don't even want to go to fucking Hogwarts, I want to stay home and be the disgusting piece of trash teenager I was meant to be," James whined, shoving his huge bag of luggage onto a cart. The ride on the plane had been hell, but at least Shaun and Bean got to join the mile high club. "Exact fucking same," John deadpanned, watching and the others got extremely excited, all but running towards the airport escalator. "Cheer up you limp dicks, we get to see, like, pegasuses and God knows what else. TYBG for this opportunity," Shaun cheered, jumping up and down in his little boots as we descended. "You and your Lil' B fetish," Reilly said. The studio audience laughed.

"I'm just hyped about how fucked up we're gonna get," Bec said. "Like, you ever watched Fooly Cooly high? Well imagine watching wizards and magic shit happen while you're completely off your rocker." John and James looked into the distance as they absorbed these words of wisdom. Fucking incredible.

It was almost normal, boarding the bus that awaited them, the only off-putting thing were the dozens of pushy reporters ascending on them when they exited the airport. "What do you think this will mean for all of muggle kind," one very uppity, female reporter asked, her pen writing for itself. James's eyes widened and his brow creased. "I don't know, I'm an art major not a political philosopher," he said, struck by the flashing lights and loud voices, "ain't it a little bit of an overstep to ask a bunch of teenagers who aren't even allowed to drink in their country to sew the seams of a new relationship between two types of people who've lived extremely separate lives for hundreds of years?" The reporter looked confused, and ready to ask another question, but Reilly grabbed the back of James's hoodie and yanked him to the bus. "That's enough of your 'truth bombs', we don't need the whole planet knowing what a bunch of anarchist pieces of shit we are." As if to spite her, Bean yelled out: "Fuck the patriarchy!" as they got onto the bus.

"Kill all cishets!" Shaun shouted from the bus window, before the teacher yanked him back inside. James snorted, "A bunch of jackasses on their way to a magic school full of a bunch of relatively sheltered magic kids. Amazing."

The Sparkle Kids filed onto the bus with the other kids, who were too occupied with excited chatter about Hogwarts to pay them any mind, which was more or less bad for the Sparkle Kids, who were by far the most exhibitionist pieces of shit on the planet. Literally. Bean and Shaun shoved Bec against a window playfully, slamming their bags onto the bus floor. Reilly sprawled out across the left back seat, refusing to let anybody else sit down, so John and Sky sat together, James sprawled seductively over their laps. It could not possibly get gayer.

The instructor, eyes trained sharply on the Sparkle Kids, who threw up Dorite Gang gang signs in response, began his long and very boring speech about the importance that lied in each of them to do their very best in befriending the magical children. Bean rolled their shoulders, obviously uncomfortable with the seating. "I should have brought a pillow or something, my back is killing me," they mumbled, before scooting down into a more comfortable position. "Oh? You're uncomfortable? So sorry," Bec said sarcastically, body flush against the metal of the bus.

"James, sit in your own seat, not on your partners," the instructor said suddenly. James rolled over, making a face and groaning in irritation. He rose before flinging himself in the seat opposite of Sky and John, leaving his bag in the middle of the aisle, uncaring. The instructor eyed him wearily, before continuing his speech. The Sparkle Kids payed him no mind, most of them were already dozing; all except Shaun, who was eagerly awaiting his arrival at Hogwarts.


End file.
